Sunday, March 20, 2011

Bad, Worse, Better...

That was my weekend in a nutshell...awesome right?

Nope it wasn't...

It all started on Friday, I stopped at the paper store for work and a nice girl was helping me at the counter...she suddenly said, "ohhhhh, I love you're ring." I smiled BIG and looked down at my hand. Uhhh wrong hand. I looked down at my left hand thinking she was talking about my wedding rings. She wasn't. She was talking about my right hand, where I wear 3 diamond bands that the "husband" actually gave me for a birthday gift...when he was "in love." I got really sad, I loved my engagement ring was just a gold band with a princess cut diamond. It was pretty, it wasn't the most flawless diamond but it was perfect to me. It was from him...he picked it out. He asked me that question with it. Our wedding bands were custom. Since we were getting married in Hawaii we decided on traditional Hawaiian jewelery. We got gold Hawaiian bands, mine had his name in Hawaiian and his had mine. On the inside we had engraved "forever" and "always." Because...well that's how it was "supposed" to be. I then added one of the small bands he had given me. It all looked so pretty together. I always got complements. I never took them off. The only time they were off was towards the end of my pregnancy, my fingers were huge...that must have been a sign of the future?

Towards the end of the day on Friday, my lawyer said next week he'll be getting the ball rolling on the divorce....Gasp...oh ya....I'm getting a divorce. Uhhhh. I know I filed and I know it's happening, but it's REALLY happening. I don't want to be divorced, I want to be married, I want to be loved, I want to be a family...but that's not how it is...I'm getting divorced.


I woke up with the Bugs and crappy stormy weather. BOO. Nasty weather always makes moods worse. I had tons of laundry to do, cleaning to do, baby food to make...the list is never ending. I thought since it was yucky out I'd make an effort with the "husband" and see if he wanted to hang with the Bugs and I as a "family," no response from him...surprise, surprise. I know, I know...why even bother...Believe me I KNOW! I had to go to my storage unit and on the way back I drove by the house we brought our Buggy home to. UGH. Huge mistake. I got so emotional. We had so many plans in that house...I was pregnant in that house, her nursery was in that house, there was a living room dedicated just for her and her toys, her first Christmas was supposed to be there, we had huge plans for her first birthday in the back yard. Uhhh what the HELL happened? The rest of the day and just bleh. It was a sad day for me, I missed my life, I missed what was supposed to be, I missed my old life... better.

My sweet little girl woke up a bit fussy, today was the day the "husband" got her...I hate these days. It's not natural to HAVE to give your baby up for the day. It's one thing if we were together and I went out for the day...that's normal...that's how it should be. But to have to do this back and forth and not be able to see her for 8 hours....not's disgusting. He picked her up and I tried to keep busy, I ran some errands and when I got home I started scrap booking. I'm still only on the first few hours of her life. But remembering those moments are nice. We were happy and a family. I did a few pages of the 3 of us. That's sad. It's sad because I realized I have to start thinking this in the end will be his loss. He's missing out on her everyday...not me. I get to continue taking pictures of her and with her daily. Sadly, pictures with him and her end around 2.5 months. When we've had the few times as a family, I've tried to take pictures of them together...for her, not him. Her and I are creating memories daily, he chooses not to. Right now I feel like I've lost it all... but in the end, I'll have the memories, I'll have her firsts, I'll have the best part of him and I.

My weekend got better because I realized I can't make someone want to be a husband or a parent. I can only hope in the end they're satisfied with the path they've chosen. I hope he looks back and doesn't have regret. I know this isn't the path I picked but I truly need to start making the best of it. I've got to stop caring or convincing him that he doesn't want's been 4.5 months...he's not changing his mind.

Sticking with better,


And come cuteness....

1 comment:

V said...

Hi there, this is my first time visiting your blog. I found it through your post on Cup of Jo today. I just wanted to let you know that you're very brave and it's so healthy to write about your feelings and feel/express everything emotion and thought fully. My in my 20s and my parents in their 50s just split up after nearly 30 years together. It has been almost a year and my mom is still a mess. She still doesn't have the acceptance and doesn't strive to make the best of it the way you do. It can be a really sad situation but you're making the best of it for your baby and I can only hope my mom can reach that place soon. I still think she hasn't accepted it; she still spends more money than she should, doesn't work full time and hasn't started to heal. Thank you for your words and your honesty and I hope things get much better for you soon :)

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