Ironically my blog is named "Me and My "new" Life" I've tattooed "new life" on my arm...I'm constantly trying to live this new life I've struggled with for the past three years.
I say struggle loosely.
When I look back on everything that has happened over the last three years, my struggles are nothing compared to others. I've had support, I've had a job, I've had money, I've had my child, we've had our health and we have love. Lots to be thankful for...and I am. But the last three years---a baby, divorce, debt, moving, a car accident, moving to a new city, struggling to find a job, moving back...all while being a mother...that's a lot for one person to take on. Those are my struggles. Among those struggles I've struggled with fear. Fear of taking a chance, fear of chasing a dream, fear of trying something new...
Fear of failing.
This is where the beginning of my new life starts---
I've enrolled in SCHOOL! COLLEGE! Yes, I can proudly say I'm a college student at Heald, studying to be a Medical Assistant with plans at not stopping there...but that chapter of this story will come another day. One dream at a time...
I replay the last three years over in my head a lot. What could I have done differently, am I doing everything right now? I can sit and wonder and stress myself out with the past or I can put the past behind me and live in the now. I don't want to say I've wasted the last three years because I've been doing the most important job ever imaginable...I've been a mother. But in the bigger picture, I've wasted a ton of time all because of that one powerful word:
I'm terrified of failing...failing more than I already have---although you may not look at me or my life as a person that's failing, to each their own, I know I'm capable of much more than I have been doing over the last three years. I've been in a standstill. I haven't wanted to jump in fear of getting no where, the fear of trying and failing, simple as that.
But I've finally realized---
The easiest way to fail is to never begin.
A few weeks ago I was at a girlfriend's house, the kids were playing and we were catching up on life, chatting about what's new. It was just like any other time...until she looked at me and said, "I think you should go to school, I'll help you if you need it." That simple normal, conversation, changed things for me quickly. I've had many people tell me I should do this or that, but somehow this was different. She knows my story, she knows my situation, she knows it won't be easy and she knows I'm scared of taking steps to improve on things...or even starting college after being out of school for 12 years. But the fact that she took the time and offered help if I ever needed it...somehow that made my decision for me. I have a support system weather it's family or friends. I know people want me to succeed just as much as I do. I'm not sure if she even knows how much that conversation in her kitchen meant to me or how much I appreciate her offer...but she helped change my outlook on my future.
A few days later I was enrolled in college.
The beginning of my new life started on Monday March 3, 2014.
I decided to let go of fear. I'm realizing I'm not the only one to ever return to college after being out of school for a million years. It's ok to ask for help with my daughter and not feel guilty for wanting to better life for myself and her. It's amazing to chase a dream no matter how hard it will be or what challenges I may face.
I've wanted to go back to school for a very long time, I just believed it was impossible.
How can a single mother that works full time go to college?
The exact same way I am, you just do it and everything else will fall into place.
I'm here to tell you:
If I can do it, you can too.
Yes, I'm scared out of my mind. Yes, I'm only three days in and I've already questioned if I made the right choice. I've already felt the guilt of needing more help with my daughter. I've already wondered how am I possibly going to work, go to school and raise a child? How am I going to find the balance...
I don't have the answers, but I know I'm not alone. I know I'm not the only almost 30 year old single mom that works full time that was taken on college...and I won't be the last.
Neither will you.
I decided to go back to school for myself. For my daughter.
Although I've had a million thoughts of wanting to prove people wrong who have ever doubted me, but they're not important. What's important is my future with my daughter. My future career. My new life.
If I've learned anything over the last three years it is:
Life keeps going.
You're the only one who can make a change.
I encourage you to step out of your comfort zone, get out of your fearful bubble. Chase that dream big or small...
If I can do it, you can too...