friendship

I am having a hard time with this lately. I guess I always have.

Growing up, I didn't have many friends...I had my older sister, who was/is my very bestest. So, I guess in a way, I didn't think I really NEEDED a lot of friends. I had a best friend for many years, but eventually we grew apart. I had friends, but they always came and went. No biggie...it really didn't bother me. I was more into hanging out with my family and my sister anyways. I have a few very good friends, the types of friends you can go without speaking to for months, and then pick up like you just saw them yesterday. I love that type of friend.

My sister, I know I can call for anything. She knows me...and I know her. We don't judge. We state our opinions and move on. We may not always like what we have to say, but we understand where each other is coming from. I think a sister is the best kind of friend you could ever ask for. You've got a built in BFF. I like that. I like her...ha...I love her...she's my pita.

Besides my sister, the husband was my bestest...as it should be. Even after everything, I still truly consider him my best friend. We've been best friends since I was 16...I'm 27 now. He knows me, he gets me. It sucks, well it more than sucks that we got to where we did, and in no way am I making excuses for anything that he's done to me or we've been through...but it's truly tested our friendship (and marriage...obviously). We are working on things, and we are trying to better understand each other, the past and the future. We're seeing things differently. We're seeing that we do cherish the relationship we had/have, and like any other friendship, we're seeing (and working on) the problems, what went wrong. It's a challenge but we're seeing how important our friendship really was. We're trying to rebuild that. It's bumpy and messy. But, it's a friendship that's worth the fight. It's a friendship that if anything...we owe to our daughter. 


Throughout this mess of my life...I've seen people pulling for me and supporting me. Some that I've least expected. While others that I have expected, weren't there. But if I've learned anything, it's that, in the end it's your life and it'll just be you. I have my sister, and I have those distant friends and the few in between that I truly cherish and appreciate. 


This week a may have lost a friendship that truly meant the world to me. It was one of the very few that I trusted with everything. The first person I told I was pregnant (both times) after telling the sister and parents. The first friend I told about losing our first baby. The first person I told that I thought I was suffering with post partum. The first person that I opened up to about my marriage crumbling. I never believed anything could come between this friendship. But, like most friendships...something did. Something so stupid in my eyes that I've cried confused and angry with frustration because of it...but if something so small and silly could come between a friendship like this...maybe I saw something that truly wasn't ever there to begin with?

With that...it brings me back to reality and makes me see why I don't have a ton of friends. Which I'm fine with. My sister, she could accidentally shave my head and she'd still be my bestest, (she could do much worse than that of course, but let's not test it). The husband...I mean..most people in my case would be plotting terrible things against their husbands, a few thoughts have crossed my mind, but in the end, where would that get me...where would it get our daughter? The few friends I do have, the ones I may or may not speak to daily, monthly...maybe even yearly...I like you.