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Tuesday, January 17, 2012

anxiety...

I got it...

Oh boy do I.

I used to have it along time ago and was treated for it.
It would come in waves.
I'd panic.
Breath deeply. And hope for the best.
Then...
I'm not sure what caused it.

Now.
I know.
I can't get a hold of my life.
I have no clue where I'm going, I have no direction.
I'm being told to end a mariage that I do not want to end.
I spent the last 11 years loving.
The last year being dragged around.
I know I deserve better.
But I don't know what better is.


I don't like struggling.
But I am.
I don't like being scared.
But I am.
I hate being,
Sad.Angry.Hurt.Fearful.
But I am.
All I wanted was to love.
And I did.

I panic. I can't catch my breath. I sweat. I shake. I feel numbness from my fingers to my toes.
It's awful.
And it's caused by love and heart break.

12 comments:

Shannon Marie said...

I'm so sorry that you're struggling with anxiety. When I'm anxious or upset I try to find a song that can immediately calm me down. I'll be thinking positive thoughts for you. xo

The Johnson Family said...

Oh, love... I so feel for you. I went through the same thing when I broke up with my highschool/college bf of 7 years... although I didn't have a baby so know it's not even close to what you're going through. My best advice is this: listen to your heart and you do what YOU feel is right. People can tell you to end it, get over it, etc. but in the end you aren't going to be done until YOU are done. And one day you will either realize you are done and that will be it, or it will work out. The best thing you can do is focus on you and that cute little munchkin of yours, and let the rest of life fall into place. I swear as soon as I stopped stressing, I just woke up one day realizing I was done with Joe. It literally disgusted me to think of being with him, and it just happened overnight. (after everyone telling me for years to move on, and refusing to...) Literally that night I met Ryan. Life works in crazy ways. You will know where to go and what to do when the time is right, don't stress or try to force yourself to do anything. Just keep focused on you and let everything else happen, I promise it will work out in the end and you will look back at all of this realizing why it all worked out the way it did. Little miss is lucky to have a mama as involved as you are and she will grow up just fine no matter what you decide. Hang in there girly! XoXoX

Ashley said...

I am so sorry. I agree with what previous poster said about only You can decide when you are done. It is hard when your head and heart may be telling you different things. I have not been in a similar situation and I really feel for you. If you ever want to talk.. I am just a mouseclick away.

Mander said...

I too am a single momma. Married and now divorced...it's been 3 years and I still don't feel like I'm over him. I'm scared, worried, miss my family, miss being around my son 24/7 (his dad is involved 110%). Me and my ex get along great. Sending pic's and texts, and emails of lil man.
But I get it. I feel it. And like the previous commentor stated, you will get over it when you're ready.
Most days I don't feel ready. I get anxious all the time.
I feel like I'm afraid to move on and be happy? Make sense?
You are not alone in what you are feeling, which is why I've finally commented (long time reader :) )

Georgie Horn said...

I'm so glad you're able to express yourself here. My sister just went through a divorce she didn't want. But, now that she's on the other side is glad she's out. I wish for you peace. PS. Go see your DR and get you some anxiety pills. They help!

Georgie Horn said...

PS. Your friend Shannon is right! i've put my ipod on my ears and just sang out loud to every song and it so helps!

Jennifer said...

I'm so sorry. I have been in exactly your shoes, everyone including him was telling me to end it and I so so so didn't want to. It hurts, I felt like a failure, I felt like my daughter wasn't going to have a good life. I had to take life day by day and even though I've moved on and remarried a way better man I still think back to those days and feel panicky. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. If you ever want to talk I'm always available.

Kaitlyn said...

:( keep your head up hun! You can get through it! I'm sorry you are going through all of this. Stay strong love <3

In our sea of love

Lindsay said...

Oh girl, I struggle with major anxiety too. Ive recently gone off medicine and am taking it one day at a time. I have days where I am more secure than others...its so hard. I didn't realized you were still married...I will be praying for you!

Faith said...

i am so sorry that you are dealing and struggling with anxiety right now. i wish i could say something to make things better but i can't. you are in my thoughts and prayers. i truly hope that everything works out for you. that you find the love that you want, need and deserve.

{just.lovely.things} said...

hun! you say you are struggling and scared and much more.. but look at how much bravery and spirit it took for you to post this and share with all of us something so private...

you are stronger then you realize and you will get through this!

Just the Two of US said...

I know exactly how you feel, although I wasn't married, I was with my childs father for 9 years and a seven year old, I went through the deepest darkest time of my life... I didn't think I could go on, I blamed everyone, tore my life apart finding answers. But right there in front of me lied the answer i'd been looking for all along.

"for I know the plans I have for you declares the lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."jeremiah 29:11

and I knew it would be ok.

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