the vow...

It's Saturday night and I'm doing crazy things....I hit up the Red Box and planted my booty on the couch. I made the mistake of renting The Vow...Well I wouldn't say mistake, cheesy chick flicks are my thing, romantic, sad, love stories...they get me all the time.

This one...Got me.

I won't give the movie away...in case you haven't seen it...I believe it's a book too...actually, based on someones life. 

Oh what the heck...I have to give the main points of the movie away in order to let my heart flow and my mind be at ease. 

Couple falls in love. Gets married. Car accident. Wife looses her memory. Husband tries to remind her of her life with him. Wife not having it. Divorce. Wife starts reliving live without her memory and on her own realizes she loves the man she can't remember...

The point of this post, in a way I wish I lost my memory, he lost his memory. 

The memory I have of my old life, the 11 years I spent loving him, building a life with him...was good. The memories are so strong. Some fade, but at times some hit me like a ton of bricks. We laughed and joked. We did silly dances. I used to cut his hair and not always be thrilled to do it...but I did. We argued on who'd take the dog out and what to watch on tv. At times looking back on that life, I wonder if what I remember was true or what I wanted it to be. For the most part I think it to be true. I do believe I loved him more. I do believe I did more. But somehow I was ok with it. I loved him, and I believed he loved me back. I was a wife, I loved and gave like I believed a wife should.

Part of me wishes I could go back, relive moments, maybe things needed to be different. I'm not really sure. Part of me wishes instead of him leaving, he lost his memory like the wife in the movie. I would have done everything in my power to remind him of what was, what is and what could be. I would have replayed our life, the 11 years, the good, the bad....just for him to see the love I had for him. In hopes that he'd remember the life that we had. Maybe he'd never remember and maybe just like the movie I'd have to let go and let him figure it out for himself....

Part of me wishes I'd loose my memory. Not the memories of my daughter...AT ALL. But memories of the past life. Memories of the streets I drive, stores I shop, restaurants I eat at. Daily, I'm reminded of something. Be it little like a yellow pound cake at a gas station or something big like struggling to pay a bill because in the past life, there was no struggle. I wish in a way I could erase the memory of that life. The reminders of what was. The path I'm on now is a path chosen for me because of that life. The job I work at is because I needed a job, the town I'm in and the apartment I live in is because it's what I could afford...

I want to start over. Not because of a past life. Not because a person and their choices and the affect and impact it's taken on me and my life. I want to not be constantly reminded of memories. I want to choose my path for me and what's right for myself and mainly my daughter. I want to pick my path and not have it picked for me. 

If my memory was gone, maybe I'd be better wondering around familiar places. But now, it's not good. It hurts. I want to live my life and choose my path. Start fresh.