tap tap tap...

You guys still there....It's me:

How the heck are ya? Me...I'm doin'. I'm still kickin...

I've lost all motivation for anything these days...except the loveliness of being a momma.

When I last left off I mentioned that my sweet girl started daycare....whew. I actually felt like she was going to "school." The first few days were a breeze. Chick was diggin' it. Could care less that I was leaving...didn't even turn a cheek. That lasted about a week. Now it's cling to the life of me, full on tears...complete heart break for this momma. The teachers tell me it's normal for some kids. They'll grow out of it. Uhhhh...when? It only usually last from the time the teacher unlatches her from me to the time I get to the front door...but over all...it's awful. She just wants to be with her momma. I'm her safe place. My mind often brings myself to the thoughts of..."Does this have to do with the fact that her dad left? Is this because we're getting divorced? Does she think everyone is going to leave her?" Awful thoughts right? I'm not sure what it is...but I hate it. I wish so badly I could be with her all the time. Protect her. Never leave her. But that's not OUR reality. She actually did it every once in a while at my parent's house as well...so maybe it's just her...and I mean, who wouldn't want to hang out with me all the time anyways...right? Also, I was exactly like that as well...my parents couldn't peel me off of them, and I'm pretty sure her dad was like that too. Lord...it's a terrible feeling though. So the wonderful thing about daycare...this daycare actually, it's about eight minutes from my house and about two minutes from my work...hello...I get HOME at like 5:30 these days...No more driving 15 minutes each way in the morning and like 30 minutes or more at night stuck in traffic. It's MAGICAL. So, so far so good on the daycare business...minus the tears. But she needed to start socializing (obviously) and all that good stuff that comes along with being a year and a half....

Since she's at daycare, her mood is a bit moody when we get home...I think she's so used to taking 2-4 hour naps at home and now it's maybe like an hour or so there...so she's been going to ni-ni land around 7-7:30...which has been pretty lovely for momma. Because momma has been feeling pretty drained these last few weeks and has been going to sleep herself by ummm 9ish.

The light is out and the weather is warming and we...or I've got big plans. For starters, I picked up my jogger from my parents house the other day and we will be starting to get out for walks/runs after work, since...eeehm, we're home by 5:30! I just signed up for The Color Run in Sacramento with some friends and I'm super excited! I've just gotta get my booty in gear. It's not until August, but hello....summer is right around the corner! I've gotta get my bod bathing suit ready. I have zoo trips, park trips, beach trips, all sorts of inexpensive trips for us planned. I'm also looking into signing the Bug up for gymnastics...CUTE. And swimming lessons....ahhhh LOVE!

Also, I want to make our little patio a little play spot for her...that's a project in it's self. Spring cleaning is up at the top of our list. I sadly went last weekend and sold a TON of her baby stuff...because I'm not seeing a little one in the near future...or future for that matter. I'm ok with that. I've made peace. I obviously ALWAYS wanted two kids...and I NEVER wanted to have an only child. But for now, this is our path. I'm not a big fan of HUGE age gaps and really...I don't want to be raising kids all my life...so, we shall see I suppose.

On top of the spring cleaning and what not I've got to get back to my oh so lovely blog. I love blogging. Really I do. It's TRULY helped with my life...it's a release. On top of blogging I want to get my shop back in order....because...duh, a few extra bucks help. Being creative is a release for me...I've just got to start, manage my time, not be so LAZY! (Does being a single, full time working, full time mom really fit into the lazy category...lol.)

Anywho... That's a little sum up of my life...The divorce is still going on, things in that area are a bit off, if you can imagine. But it's life...

where have you been....

Whew...it's been awhile.

I've been a bit lost in my life...thoughts...days...

But I'm coming back.

Stronger than ever.

I haven't been sad, mad...anything like that. Just busy. Lost.

Soul searching.

Things have been changing around my life, mostly good. I've been doing a lot for myself and for Makena.

For a moment I got caught up in wanting someone to love me...anyone. It's lonely going from being married and happy, to working and holding onto your marriage, that feeling. To finally letting it go but still wanting to be loved and to feel loved.

I was left at a time where I needed to feel loved the most. The days, weeks, few months after we have a child a woman (most?) are at their lowest point emotionally, EVER. We are looking for reassurance. Are we pretty, are we fat, are we doing a good job with the baby, are we loving you enough, are we keeping up on the house...life. Are we doing OK? I didn't get to be reassured that I was doing ok...I was left. So I felt abandoned.

So I guess in away now...I just want love...anything. Attention. But not really. It's complicated. I want someone there...I want someone to talk to, to make me feel pretty, to hang out with...but I don't want "titles" I don't and CAN'T be in "something" right now.

Make sense? Complicated...YES.

I've come to find I truly need to love myself first. And obviously, we all know my daughter comes before any of this.

So lately...We've been doing a lot of this....

Snuggin'....we got our pups back...

Momma's been treating her self to tanning and Starbucks...

We've been sick for what feels like a month...chick got a cold, then turned into her first ever ear infection, then I got and have the cold, then we ended up at the ER the other night because of a crazy rash the little got caused by a reaction to the ear infection meds...

Chick started day care (more on that later)...five minutes from my house and five minutes from work...we get home at this time...WHAT!?

 I'm becoming slightly obsessed with working out...I've got a lot to clear my head from and this is helping...

sulk or shine...

"You can sulk in what was...Or shine in what is..."

(Yours truly...Dani)

I've been writing a lot lately about searching for myself.

I'm digging deep.

I get pulled in different directions.

My thoughts flow freely and my heart is more at peace. 

I've morned a life that was lost for far too long. 

My life.

My married life, it died. 

A life that was all I knew, is gone. 

My soul is feeling at peace.

I'm finding happiness again. Making decisions solely for myself and of course, my daughter. 

My thought process has changed. 

I thought I needed to be loved in order to love myself.

Boy was I wrong. 

I need to love myself in order to love better.

My independence is my strength. 

Being alone is strange. 

But my life as a half is gone...for now. 

I'm ok with it.

Of course I want to be part of something...someone.

But I'm in no rush. 

I know I'm able to love. I believe I love well.

Someone one day will be deserving of that.

But for now...

This "single" life is working well...

I'm finding my place. 

I had two choices.

SULK

or

SHINE

I think I'll shine. 

out with it...

I took a moment out for myself this weekend.

Took a walk...caught up on my thoughts.

Took in the fresh air.

I had a lot to think about. 

I HAVE a lot to think about.

My thoughts brought me to who I am...

WHO AM I?

Since 16 I was half of someone.

I never knew myself separate from being part of someone else.

I lived for 11 years putting someone else first,

their thoughts, feelings, heart.

All before my own.

Now it's me.

I'm learning...

I speak too soon.

I worry.

I get lost in my thoughts.

I'm sensitive and I struggle.

I smile more. I laugh often.

I love easy. I love hard.

I forgive far too fast.

I want commitment. But not marriage. 

Passion. Excitement. 

I want to live in the moment. 

Now. 

No regret.

I want to be strong. Independent.

Be an example for my daughter.

I'm putting myself out there more. 

Taking chances. 

Opening up. 

Saying how I feel in the moment.

Sometimes it works. 

But sometimes it doesn't.

I have moments of 

"oh shit what did I just say...what did I just do."

But it's what was right in that time.

I learn. Move on.

It's who I am.

I don't want to cheat myself of a thought. A feeling. Of words.

Life is too short. 

You can miss moments because you're not yourself. 

Be open. Ask for what you want. Express. 

Act on emotion.

You can't change your path. You can't control what happens. 

You can only hope for the best. 

I won't change my heart. 

Searching for yourself is strange. 

Not knowing what's right.

What's wrong.

It's weird. 

Being accepted for yourself, not half of someone else. 

Being you.

Find yourself.

It's a lesson. A challenge. 

I'm searching. 

So far I like what I'm finding....

doin' it up...

 (unknown)

I was in a slight funk this weekend...I didn't have the baby so I found myself wondering around on Sunday feeling a bit..

lost.

So I decided to go out and shop a bit.

I've noticed actaully getting dressed cutely, doing my hair and makeup helps with my mood.

Makes me feel a bit better about myself...

And duh...

Who knows when I may pass a cute boy on the street.

Hair done. Makeup on...

Seriously...

Look at these shoes.

Happy feet...happy heart!

 

But I feel at my happiest with this...

life...

Is unexpected.

 I know you can plan for things to be a certain way...

The currents of the water will flow in your favor

But when you least expect it,

It all can suddenly change. 

We get caught up in planning and thinking and dreaming about how life is supposed to be.

But how is it really going to be?

I've learned you can have high expectactions and dream big or even small...

and it may just not be that way.

Over a year my life took turns and twists that I did not plan or see.

Things have happened to people I know...

Paths cross when you least expect.

My husband left me two and half months after giving birth to our very planned for child.

I spent an entire year of trying and holding on to the life I planned.

Only to finally realize it's happening for a reason.

It's teaching me lessons on life.

I'm learning who I am.

 I've learned to love more. Trust easily. And forgive even when someone may not deserve.

I've turned negative into positive.

People loose babies. Families fall apart. Healthy people have strokes. Mutiple Sclerosis happens. Realtionships crumble. Depression can make you miss out on life. Friendships are easily destroyed over something so silly.

You never know who's life is harder.

But then the unexpected happens.

LIFE.

You live it.

You pick yourself up and create new dreams.

You open yourself up to new possibilities.

Your struggles become less hard. You stretch you pennies farther. You become a better momma.

You appreciate the ones around you.

Friendships you didn't think could become stronger do.

Family bonds become tighter.

Paths cross with someone you'll least expect. And a connection will be made.

You'll then decide how much you can give. How much your heart can take.

You'll live more happily. Peaceful. Calmly.

Only because you know life can take a turn at any moment.

We all need to slow down.

Stop planning.

Live life.

Take chances.

Love.

Be open to new friendships.

Relationships.

Don't let one pass you by.

Listen to the music.

Stop and smell the flowers.

Live in the moment.

alone...

There is something not right about being alone...

For me anyways.

For some...

It works.

Not me.

It feels twisted and dark.

 

Obviously,
 I don't know much about being alone considering...
 I went from living with my parents,
 moving in with the "husband" at 18...
and so on.

Now at 27,

 I can't stand being alone.

When I know my Chick is going to be gone for the day I need to plan what I'll be doing for that day like a week in advance.
Even when she's asleep I hate the feeling of being alone.

You get caught up in your thoughts.
The sadness. The fear...

Of being alone forever.

hunter...

The other day I was browsing my favorite blogs...And I got stuck on Story Of My Life by sweet Jenni... 

I've been following her blog for a long time now and I finally read her love story...

Phhhh...lease...

I wrote her on Facebook and asked if her Hub's had a brother!

Unfortunately they're all taken, so I did the next best thing and ordered me a pair of Hunter boots!

Thanks for the inspiration Jenni!

So I hopped on Ebay the other night...which is strangely my new favorite place to buy and sell...placed  bid and boo-ya I got me some Hunters!

My lovely box was waiting patiently at my parent's house...

Seriously,

It was like Christmas morning!

Aren't these a beaut'

I'm solo on takin' photos of myself,

one of the many losses of a divorce...

 And what makes for a better morning than Hunters and Starbucks!

Holla!

Happy Wednesday...

I'm waiting for the rain!

failure...

I'm having a tough time these days.

I feel like I've failed.

I failed at my marriage.

I failed my husband. My daughter. Myself.

I know I didn't.

But when someone you love tells you they want it to end.

You can't help but blame,

Yourself.

via

I've replayed my entire eleven year relationship in my head.

Over and Over.

Five plus of those years we were married.

I wonder if it was because I was so young.

Did I not love enough.

Did I not give enough.

But I did.

I loved with everything I had.

I still am loving.

He knows it and I know it.

Marriages take work. Patience. Love. Understanding.

I did all that.

I didn't fail.

via

He chose to leave me when I needed him the most.

He chose to fail.

to my lovely readers...

I've been unable to express to each of you and your sweet comments regarding my divorce...

I started this blog over a year ago, shortly after my marriage crumbled.

For an entire year I tried...he came back and left.

I filed for divorce once before.

Withdrew.

And now, I'm hear again.

I started this blog to express myself, release my feelings, find support...

And I have.

Each one of you have helped me grow. 

I appreciate you and your words.

Please keep on this journey with me...

It''s just getting interesting!

10 reasons...

I didn't want a divorce...

1. Love.

2. Makena.

3. Broken promises. Broken life. Broken Family. Broken heart.

4. Single mother.

5. Future unknown.

6. Struggles.

7. Loneliness.

8. Fear.

9. Forgiveness.

10. The loss of 11 years. Friendship. Love. Marriage. Family.

nights like these...

I wish I had a partner.

Tonight was hard.

 Leaving work at 5:30 only to hit insane traffic turning a normal 15 minute drive into a 45 minute traffic jam, leaving this momma in full on rage mode.

Get chick...Leave with chick in rage mode as well...these days she's not liking leaving Nonie and Opa's house...Thanks kid.

Grocery night...My WIC check is expiring tomorrow...that would be like throwing away money this momma don't got...(this momma doesn't have...I know, I know.) So, I race through the store, I gather what I can get with my WIC check and the odds and ends to get my by, only to get to the register and realize I can't find my ATM card. I pray that the cash I do have covers it or I'd have to be that person that says, "can you take that off, and that, and that...ok...now I can pay." UGH. Chick is going crazy wanting to get the heck outta there so I hand her the WIC shopping guide to be entertained...sweet...let's announce it to the world, "momma buys my food with WIC."

It's 7:30 I load the kid and the groceries into the car, which by the way already looks like we live in. I drive 20 minutes back home...remember we live in apartment so I need to run back and forth between my car and the front door dropping loads off. Finally I plop Bug down inside the house and haul everything into the house from the door...unload while muti-tasking as I cook dinner. A simple dinner...a can of soup. We do it big around here. Little usually loves soup...tonight not interested in dinner at all. Sweet.

Bath...she loves her bath. New thing is standing in the top and me saying a million times, "Makena sit, sit Makena, You better sit before you fall, good girl..." Bath over, jammies on while she kicks and whines because she's overly tired.

9:00 she's in bed...way best her bed time...I finally sit down only to write this and do a million other things only to go to bed and do it all again tomorrow...

***

I have no idea what it would be like to have a partner here, helping, taking some of the burden of my shoulders. On the days spent with the husband...it's truly lovely. Being able to run to the store and take my time without a screaming toddler. Being able to cook dinner while she's entertained by someone other than myself. Or..Oh...gasp, having dinner cooked for me. What about being able to sit my booty on the floor and really play with my chick while someone other than myself is cleaning the last mess she made. Ahhhh, that life sounds dreamy. Of course I'm a kick ass single mom who gets it done...but oh...help...how lovely is that 4 letter word...help.

us

This is us....

 My sweets and I...

We're us. 

Yes, we have family...

Yes, she has a "dada"

But when it comes down to it...

It's really just us.

I'm having a hard time with that lately.

A VERY hard time with it.

Being us is great...

But, when it comes down to it...

It's just me.

Being a single mom, I have a lot of fears...

 I worry more...

I struggle daily with my thoughts.

I wonder if I'm raising her right.

I wonder what tomorrow will bring...what the future holds for us.

Can I give her everything she would have gotten if my marriage was in tact?

Will she grow up happy, loved, satisfied...

Will she get everything she deserves?

Will she understand I did everything I could to keep my family together...

Will she question what happened...

Will she wonder why?

Will she blame herself...

Can I protect her from that?

Will she understand why she doesn't have the newest toy, the name brands...

Will she get to go on vacations?

Can I provide and give everything on my own...

Will I do a good job as a momma on my own?

Will I raise this little girl right?

Will I she know how much I love her and how hard I'm trying?

Will she be happy she's part of US?

I know ALL mommas struggle with these thoughts, doesn't matter if you're married or single.

We as mommas struggle with protecting and forming these little babies to be who they were meant to be.

I never planned to be a single mom. That's not the path I picked for myself...or for her. 

It happened....it's happening. 

I don't like it.

It's hard and it's never where I envisioned my life...her life...our life. 

I don't make much money.

I have LOTS of debt.

I thought I was going to be married and a momma...I thought that's what my "job" was going to be...so beyond that I don't have many skills...

I'm struggling.

I feel a lot of pressure to be strong. To be ok. 

Some days are better than others.

Some days I feel like I've got this momma thing handled....even this single momma thing handled.

At least when you're in a partnership you've got someone there...

Pushing you...reasuring you that you're doing ok.

That you're doing a good job.

And it's not just you forming this little person you both created.

It's just me....

That's a lot to take on...

It's just US.