Saturday, February 12, 2011

Bangin' emotional breakdown and fancy feet...

Well...The other night I felt like I needed a change...I thought long and hard about what I could do...and well...all I came up with was:
Yes! I'm "BANGIN" it...uhh, I cut me some bangs..get it...Bangin it? So what's your opinion?

Likey? No likey?

Moving on...

Man oh man, these last 2 days have been soooo rough on me, lots of tears, questions, fears, hurt, pain, confusion...

I've never felt a broken heart...but I have now. It's the WORST thing I've ever experienced. I want so badly to be a family, to be in love, to be what we were supposed to be, what we had planned, what we had promised to each other. What did we get here? I never saw it coming. I think that's why it hurts so badly...oh, and probably because we just had a baby? I get angry when I see families out and about...I want that. I thought I had that. I got married for life...not 5 years and 8 months. You fight to save your marriage, you work hard at fixing problems and communicating. I try to look back and look for signs of unhappiness...I can't find any answers. I search and search and end up more lost and confused. I was in love...MADLY in love with my best friend. We just brought a child into the world together. I know I need to start "moving on" and give up on the person I married and was in love with because that person is gone...It's hard though. I've been with that person since I was 16...yes 16! 10 years of him always there. He's still the person I want to tell everything to, when our daughter does something I want to tell him first, I want him to experience all that right there with me. BUT, that's not how it is...sadly it probably won't ever be. Strangly, I'm still holding out hope...hope that the person I know is somewhere out there...Only time will tell, and by then I'm sure it'll be too late. Too much will be lost, too much pain, too much hurt.

I know some people think I should move on and stop talking about it and this situation, but it's my life, I am sad, I've stayed extremely strong thoughout. BUT, it's only been 3 months. I just started a family with him, this is all still so fresh. I wish this upon no one. It's the worst thing to go through. No one deserves this. Eventually I'll move on...I'll stop talking about it. But until you're in my'll never know what I feel.

To end on a good note:

How fantastico are there beauties? Thank you Madden Girl...clearence 14 bucks baby!




The Johnson Family said...

This post makes me so sad for you... I am so so sorry! A broken heart is the absolute worst thing in the world, I can only imagine dealing with that and having a baby to take care of at the same time. Life works in such weird ways but I totally believe in the end it takes you where you are supposed to be. (Although sometimes getting there just plain sucks). Hang in there and let miss Makena help keep you strong, it will get easier eventually. In the mean time talk all you want and cry all you want, you have a right to do that! You two are in mine and Kenna's prayers :) And if you ever need an outside source to talk to, my ears are open!! XOXOX

The Johnson Family said...

P.S. Lovin the bangs, and the shoes!! Retail therapy is always the best :)

Anonymous said...

just came upon your blog, and i want you to know that i think you are such a strong woman. your little one will get you through this. i will be visiting you here in blog world. hugs.

Steph said...

you be as sad, happy, mad, hopeful as you want.... you have the right to feel them and no one has the right to tell you otherwise! You are doing great! Out here thinking about you and sending happy thoughts your way via cyber space!

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