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Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Reminded

In my new life, I have constant reminders of how I got here, how the life I truly loved and thought I had is no longer there. I'm unsure of where I'm headed, although, I never really knew where that was. I'm saddened by the broken promises, the love lost, the friendship gone. I'm tired of the tears, the hurt, the pain. I'm angry with this life. I'm angry that someone had the control to turn my life, my daughters, my entire families lives upside down. I devastated that my daughter won't get the "mommy and daddy" experience that she deserves. I'm beyond disgusted, that I have to drop my child off for the day and not come back until the end of it. What am I missing in those hours, does she miss me, does she understand why mommy isn't there and that I wish so badly I was?  That's not fair. No mother should HAVE to give up their child, it's one thing to want to go out and have time to yourself, but to have to drop off your baby with their father is unnatural. I carried her for nine months, I've been there every minute...why do she and I have to suffer?

I'm reminded of how different this life is than what was dreamed about, planned, envisioned. We live with my parents so I can save. I HAVE to work full time in this life. In the other life, we had talked about me working part time or not working at all. In this life, I don't have that choice. In this life, I need to cut Starbucks, shopping, and spending money on things I don't need. In our old life I lived in a large house, in the cutest little family town, we had a great back yard. She had her own room, her own play room. In this life we live at home, we share a room. In my old life I was married to my best friend, I was in love and couldn't wait to start this chapter of our lives. In this life we're not best friends, he's not in love and I'm having to start over. In this life...my life is packed away in a storage unit.

Lots of reminders of that old life...lots of twists, turns and bumps to overcome, but we'll manage. We'll figure out our path and make the best out of it. As of now...I feel the pain and the sadness...

3 comments:

Pettijohn said...

Time heals all wounds and maybe your new life will be better with time and patience. Good luck and I love following your blog.

life...just saying said...

I am so incredibily sorry. Life has so many twists and turns, most of which aren't planned nor wanted. I feel your pain, though mine is a different kind of pain. Visit my blog to read about mine. Wishing you the very best life has to offer for your family's future.

Steph said...

Hi bloggy friend,
it makes me sad to hear you are having "one of those days." I wanted to say thanks for sharing your story- its makes everyone who reads it stronger, more appreciative and better mommies because it puts so many things in perspective. There have been many times while reading this that I have wanted to call your husband a few choice words...yet, you never do- no matter how much he hurt you. You carry yourself and this new life you are living with such poise and grace and strength. While it wasnt the life you planned or wanted.... maybe it will turn out to be the very best thing that could have ever happened to you- at the very least you are getting an opportunity to prove to your daughter what an incredible woman you are- how your love for her is selfless and your willingness to sacrifice for her boundless. You will be her hero, her inspiration the only one who was ALWAYS there- the one person she could ALWAYS rely on...and NO ONE can take that away from you.
Have a better day Dani- You and your baby girl are always in my thoughts- you will get through this better and stronger than before and with your amazing attitude and perseverance I just know that great things are in store for you! Sounds to me like you deserve to treat yourself to a starbucks! ;)

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