overwhelmed...

Today I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed. I'm not sure how I got here...how I made it.

This time last year...exactly one year ago, it was our last day of just the husband and I. I remember it like it was yesterday. August 30, 2010 was my due date. The husband took the entire week before the due date off as a precaution... he helped with everything around the house...we practiced buckling the car seat with a stuffed bear. We hiked hills, ate pineapples, preggo pizzas and spicy food...walked more hills...all for the arrival of this sweet little lady. This day was different though...we mainly relaxed in the living room in front of the TV with the air blowing, it just happened to be one of the hottest days of the summer.

Right as the clock was turning to 12:00 A.M on August 30th....the contractions started...all.night.long. No sleep...just slight pain. The husband got out the contraction counter and each time one struck I shook him and he timed it. He rubbed my back and tried to stay up with me...filled my water jug and did all that he could. The contractions stayed about 4-7 minutes apart the entire night. That afternoon I had a normal pregnancy check up at 2:00 P.M. We loaded our car up just in case we were ready to deliver. Sure enough, the doctor told me I was 5cm dilated....off to the hospital I went...

More on the delivery and the birthday to come...

But, today compared to last year is different. I'm sitting in an apartment alone...the baby is sleeping, it's quite...just the noise of the freeway in the distance. I miss the life I had a year ago. I miss sitting in the living room watching TV with my husband. I miss the excitement of what was coming next...the planning and the dreaming. I miss having a partner and I want someone to share the ups and downs of my day with. I want him here. I'm grateful to have a happy, healthy, sleeping almost one year old...but this life doesn't feel complete. This life isn't what we planned.

Most people have babies with a partner...most don't do it alone. Most don't choose to do it alone. I didn't choose that...Makena didn't either. It's not what I dreamed for her...it's not what I want for myself. I'm overwhelmed with the thoughts of a year ago...I'm overwhelmed that I'll have a one year old in a little over 24 hours. I overwhelmed by the last year...the what could have beens and what should have been. I'm overwhelmed with memories that we're made and missed by others. Right now I should be reminiscing with my husband and snuggling on the couch...talking about her birth and the excitement of her birthday party.

I am overwhelmed with how we got here...how did a year already pass by? How is my baby already a year....

I still don't know what the future holds for the husband and I...I do know I love him...I'm thankful that he gave me my sweet daughter...but again...only time will tell.

I have lots of exciting things planned for my baby and I these next few days...I want to take these moments in...I'm amazed how fast she's grown...I'm sad how fast she grown. I almost want time to stop...or at least slow down. I'm proud of the little girl she's becoming and I'm blessed to be her momma.

Happy almost birthday to my Buggy...