Wednesday, August 10, 2011

single mom...

Let me tell you, being a single mom sucks. There is no other way of saying it. Just flat out sucks.

I went into mommy-hood married and I thought all was happy. Sure, there were struggles but they were the normal is tight, laundry needs to be done, lawns know normal everyday life struggles. On top of that a new baby and two parents who had no clue what the heck we were doing. That was a struggle of its own. Is she hot, cold, hungry, stuffed, pee diaper, poo diaper, spit up, crying, late night know, the new baby stuff.

People have been becoming parents for can't be that hard. Eventually everything falls into place...right?

Well, no, not for me.

Two and half months later, I found myself as a single mom. No clue that my world was falling apart all I knew was I needed to protect and care for my little baby. I needed to be strong for her. We packed up and moved to my parents house. Thankfully I wasn't alone...but I still was a "single mom" I got help with the baby...Lots of help. But then, at times I felt I was being cheated of being a parent and creating a family. Learning how to do things on my own. Like where to put the baby if I needed to use the bathroom. Or cooking, cleaning, shopping all with baby. I didn't get to do any of those things on my own. Or with my husband. Then there was the crying and deep depression of being alone, loosing my husband, feeling like a failure, feeling heartbroken and helpless...but all still having to care for this sweet little girl who never asked for any of this. I spent a lot of time emailing the husband and sending texts, one minute pleading and begging to fix this and the next telling him how horrible he is.

 I feel like my daughters first year...or, I should correct this, my first year as a new mom was stolen from me. The experiences and the memories were over shadowed by the tears, pain and anger I felt from my world being rocked by the only person I've ever loved at a time that you'll only experience once with your first child. Holiday's were ruined, family bonds were broken, memories were lost. I'm angry. Yes, I have made amazing memories with my daughter but she deserved both parents experiencing them together. That's what I wanted. That's what we wanted.

I'm a single mom. I'm not ok with it. I hate it. It's the hardest thing I've ever experienced. I moved out of my parents in May and really felt the full effect of being a single mom. When most women after a long day know that when 6:00-7:00 rolls around daddy will be home so mom can catch a break and get some help, or even just have someone there to talk to...I'm just ariving to my parents house around 6ish to pick up Makena. I need to drive home, cook something for dinner quickly, feed her, bathe her, jammies, bottle, bed, clean (try to anyways)...It's never ending for me. But I don't catch that break of having daddy there to help. I cant just run to the store, I can't go have some me time. Now...I'm not a go out type of girl at all...which is why I married and had a baby, I love being home. But, to not have that option isn't fair.

On top of being alone and doing it all, I work full time. I got married at 20 and I never really thought I'd need to have a good paying job or really figure things out for myself because I was married and he made good money. So, my money was really the fun money. The Target run money. Out to eat money. You know...the wasteful stuff that when you're happy and carefree you don't pay attention to? Boy...has that changed. There is no fun money. None. I try and work my hours, but when it comes down to it it's just not enough. Each check, half gets transferred to my rent account. Which right there makes the next two weeks look slim adding in my other bills...or debts I should say. My money is gone. I've cut out Starbucks, and I bring my lunch as much as possible. I don't have cable. But nothing is ever enough. I got paid on the 3rd, having to use vacation days to cover my hours because that pay period I missed work due to a sick momma and then a sick baby. I've already had to transfer a money from my savings which I'm down to 28.00 in my account that needs to last me until Monday when I receive money from the husband.

 Did I mention I'm trying to plan a first birthday party for my sweetness...parties cost a lot. But I'm doing my best. I want it to be top notch...and it will be. It's going to be fantastic...because even if she doesn't know what's going's a memory. It'll be worth every penny.

So, There you have it. My life as a single mom....


The Johnson Family said...

:( this post makes me so sad! When I was pregnant this was my fear... all I wanted was a family for my child. BUT, since having her I've realized that while nothing is perfect for anyone, all the love I can give her is what's important. And on the positive side, at least all this happened early and not when your little one is older... she doesn't know any different and she looks like such a happy girl, you are doing a great job! :) I can also tell you from experience... sometimes it's a blessing in disguise. I was with my highschool boyfriend for 7 years, and I thought I was happy being with him for the rest of my life. After a horrible break up I finally got myself together and literally the day I decided I was done with him I met Ryan. And let me tell you, he makes me SO much happier than I ever thought I was. Sometimes we get comfortable with the friendship we have and don't realize that there could be more, and better out there. And I know there is for you. So keep that in mind when you are down... you deserve better than that! All you can do is focus on you and that little beauty, and it will fall into place eventually. XoXoX

Anonymous said...

All your struggling and hardships will pay off in the end, because your little girl will know how much you care and how much you sacrificed and will be grateful to have such a loving and caring mother.

Antoinette said...

This post was so touching and actually brought me to tears. You are such an amazing strong person and you deserve nothing but happiness. You are such a beautiful person inside and out and your little girl is absolutely adorable and such a credit to you. You need to be positive about life because you have so much the be thankful for :) I just know that things will only get better for you! x

Heliotrope Tree House said...

I hear you...and I thank you for writing this post. It takes a lot of strength and honesty to talk about life as a single mom...which oddly enough, I still feel is kinda "taboo" in our society. At least where I live, there don't seem to be too many of us and so there is little support. My daughter will be seven tomorrow...but the relationship that I had with her father basically began to dissolve when I was six months pregnant with her. Long story short, I left as she was turning three and we have been on our own ever since, with basically no support from him. I don't have family here to help, because I moved further away to be closer to his family. Ironic, yes. It is tiring, it is the hardest job possible and people really do not understand just how much us single mamas have to GIVE and give-up to provide for our precious children. But I have to say, I am happy with my girl. I know these years go by all too quickly...and it won't always be like this. I try to savor the moments together...and the fact that I have her to love and to hold and to laugh with and grow with every single day. We are strong women...and all hard work and love we give will be given back. So glad I found you here. xo, Cyndy

Alexandra said...

There are times that I want to complain about having to deal with all of these Mommy things that Indigo's (my daughter)biological father should be helping me with, but then I think about how much better off I am without him (but sometimes I complain anyways). Just as I'm sure you are better off without your ex. I don't know the details of your relationship with him, but just focus on how awesome your daughter is and how lucky you are to have her. I hope things get better for you both & that you all will find happiness in your situation.

Sorry for the random comment, I found your blog from ohdeardrea's blog and I wanted to say something!

Jenn said...

I found this post at such a fitting time (through Drea's blog). Lately I have been feeling both triumphant and flattened by single motherhood. I commend your bare-bones honesty, most of us didn't plan on parenting alone and it isn't all hip and modern to do so. However, you are a modern hero and I hope you see the reality of your feat, even during those days that it never seems like enough...and I am sure those days seem like they are abundant. You are everything to your child and through the bitterness, the times you feel shortchanged by the universe, remember you get the gift of your child's smile, her admiration, her pure adoring love. Granted you will get all the uglies too, but that's it--you get it all. All the good you see in your daughter is because of YOU! The glory is hard won, but it is all yours.

There are many of us single mamas out there, and even though that fact is rarely comforting, there are others cheering you on and nodding their heads with a sense of deep understanding. Much love and admiration. xo

 photo envye.jpg
envye blogger theme