Let me tell you, being a single mom sucks. There is no other way of saying it. Just flat out sucks.
I went into mommy-hood married and I thought all was happy. Sure, there were struggles but they were the normal struggles...money is tight, laundry needs to be done, lawns mowed....you know normal everyday life struggles. On top of that a new baby and two parents who had no clue what the heck we were doing. That was a struggle of its own. Is she hot, cold, hungry, stuffed, pee diaper, poo diaper, spit up, crying, late night feedings...you know, the new baby stuff.
People have been becoming parents for years...it can't be that hard. Eventually everything falls into place...right?
Well, no, not for me.
Two and half months later, I found myself as a single mom. No clue that my world was falling apart all I knew was I needed to protect and care for my little baby. I needed to be strong for her. We packed up and moved to my parents house. Thankfully I wasn't alone...but I still was a "single mom" I got help with the baby...Lots of help. But then, at times I felt I was being cheated of being a parent and creating a family. Learning how to do things on my own. Like where to put the baby if I needed to use the bathroom. Or cooking, cleaning, shopping all with baby. I didn't get to do any of those things on my own. Or with my husband. Then there was the crying and deep depression of being alone, loosing my husband, feeling like a failure, feeling heartbroken and helpless...but all still having to care for this sweet little girl who never asked for any of this. I spent a lot of time emailing the husband and sending texts, one minute pleading and begging to fix this and the next telling him how horrible he is.
I feel like my daughters first year...or, I should correct this, my first year as a new mom was stolen from me. The experiences and the memories were over shadowed by the tears, pain and anger I felt from my world being rocked by the only person I've ever loved at a time that you'll only experience once with your first child. Holiday's were ruined, family bonds were broken, memories were lost. I'm angry. Yes, I have made amazing memories with my daughter but she deserved both parents experiencing them together. That's what I wanted. That's what we wanted.
I'm a single mom. I'm not ok with it. I hate it. It's the hardest thing I've ever experienced. I moved out of my parents in May and really felt the full effect of being a single mom. When most women after a long day know that when 6:00-7:00 rolls around daddy will be home so mom can catch a break and get some help, or even just have someone there to talk to...I'm just ariving to my parents house around 6ish to pick up Makena. I need to drive home, cook something for dinner quickly, feed her, bathe her, jammies, bottle, bed, clean (try to anyways)...It's never ending for me. But I don't catch that break of having daddy there to help. I cant just run to the store, I can't go have some me time. Now...I'm not a go out type of girl at all...which is why I married and had a baby, I love being home. But, to not have that option isn't fair.
On top of being alone and doing it all, I work full time. I got married at 20 and I never really thought I'd need to have a good paying job or really figure things out for myself because I was married and he made good money. So, my money was really the fun money. The Target run money. Out to eat money. You know...the wasteful stuff that when you're happy and carefree you don't pay attention to? Boy...has that changed. There is no fun money. None. I try and work my hours, but when it comes down to it it's just not enough. Each check, half gets transferred to my rent account. Which right there makes the next two weeks look slim adding in my other bills...or debts I should say. My money is gone. I've cut out Starbucks, and I bring my lunch as much as possible. I don't have cable. But nothing is ever enough. I got paid on the 3rd, having to use vacation days to cover my hours because that pay period I missed work due to a sick momma and then a sick baby. I've already had to transfer a money from my savings which I'm down to 28.00 in my account that needs to last me until Monday when I receive money from the husband.
Did I mention I'm trying to plan a first birthday party for my sweetness...parties cost a lot. But I'm doing my best. I want it to be top notch...and it will be. It's going to be fantastic...because even if she doesn't know what's going on...it's a memory. It'll be worth every penny.
So, There you have it. My life as a single mom....