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Monday, November 26, 2012

thankful...

With 2012 suddenly creeping to an end and 2013 quickly approaching I'm thankful for this year. Thanksgiving has past, and it seems it came as fast as it went. I'm still wrapping my head around the day, the events that occurred over the last year few years...but especially this year. 

January 2012 was more life changing for me than the events of 2010. Of course 2010 brought the birth of my daughter, but it brought the end of my marriage. Which technically wasn't the end. My hardest year was 2011, struggling to find an understanding on why my marriage was failing. Fighting to save it. Searching for what I may have done wrong all while raising a newborn alone, while never being alone in my life.

January 2012 came and I decided I could no longer fight. I could no longer give. I could no longer long for the life that I was fighting for. I decided to file for divorce. I decided to stand up for myself and find my place in the world as not only a mother, but a strong independent woman. I needed to stand on my own two feet, alone. I need to accept my failed marriage with or without an understanding and make peace with it. I couldn't keep on the path of chasing him or a marriage when no one was chasing me. For over 11 years my life was consumed with him and being a partner. For 11 years holidays were spent with him, every minute of everyday was with him. This year...This Thanksgiving, this year was the first without. 


Thanksgiving 2012 I was strong enough to be alone, not entirely alone, but without him or a partner. I spent the day with my girl, we were supposed to attend a Turkey Trot in the morning but the power of sleep took over. Once we did wake up we decided to load up and head to my new favorite running spot. Just my luck I unloaded and pumped my jogger's tire...and it kept deflating. Popped tire...YAY! But we kept on with our day, visiting friends and then having an early dinner with my parents. Six approached us far too soon and I had to do the drop off of my girl to her dad.


 Time sharing, custody, Holiday splitting, it's not normal, it's not ideal. It hurts. This being the first holiday or half of it that I wouldn't be with my girl made my heart hurt. What if I missed something, what if she needed me. There isn't anything I could do, it was his time. From Thursday night to Sunday evening I'd be without my girl. Of course we exchange a few Facetime chats and texts...but it's not the same. Even more heart wrenching is to hear your little say, "I come home to momma..." ouch.


But I'm thankful. As far from ideal as this all is for me, I'm thankful. I'm thankful for my girl. I'm even becoming thankful for my time that's being spent apart from her, it's making me slow down when I do have her, make more memories with her, and be thankful for the days I do have her and even more so thankful for when she comes back home. I'm thankful for standing on my own two feet after my marriage failing. I'm thankful for slowly finding my independence and walking a path that I'm creating. I'm might not be exactly where I'd like, but I do believe I'm approaching my destination. I'm thankful for struggles because they've only helped build my inner strength. I'm so very thankful for the people that have crossed me, who've helped shape and mold me to who I am today, weather they're still a part of my life or not, I'm thankful.


What are you all thankful for...

3 comments:

Lindsay said...

This made me teary! LOVE you my sweet friend!

Elisabeth Ferre said...

Great post. The thought of holiday sharing makes me sad :(...you are one strong lady!

Julia P F said...

You are awesome. Good for you! You are a great, positive role model for your daughter

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