abandonment...

I have the biggest fear of abandonment...

I'm terrified of being left. Being alone.

Although...I am alone.

I don't know if I've always been this way. I know I've never liked the thought of death...But I knew it was part of life.

The way my marriage ended, the time it ended...
It was a time when a woman needs to be reassured that you're loved.
After the birth of a child you need to know you're loved. You're ok. You're protected.

I didn't get that.

I was left and I felt abandoned.
I didn't feel loved. I didn't feel ok. I didn't feel protected.

Now, I have a fear of being abandoned.

Weather it be by love, friendship, death...I'm terrified.

Even when my daughter has to go for the weekend...
I feel like she's leaving.
That's silly.

I'm scared to let people in, in fear they'll leave.

I'm scared to build true friendships, in fear they'll just crumble.

I'm scared to ever love or be loved again, in fear they'll leave me.

I want these things so badly.
I want people. Friendships. Love.

Oh love...

How I so badly want that.

Not now. I'm in no rush to love or be loved. But I do want that. One day.

I trust very easily.
It's probably the best and worst about me.

I fall fast and hard for friendships, for people, for love.

I've had good come from all those things...
But I've had so much pain and heart ache from them too.

I am terrified to be abandoned.
To love and possibly be left...
Again.