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Wednesday, October 3, 2012

behind every person there is a story...

A story that is being written as I type. A story that is being written as you read.
My story. Your story. We all have a story.
Behind a smile there have been tears. Behind love there has been heartache. Behind triumph there has been loss.

My story. 

It was full of young love. The only love I had known. 
I'd met him at 15. Loved him at 16. Lived with him at 18. Engaged at 19. Married him at 20. Bought a home at 21.
 Pregnant at 25. Lost that precious life.
Pregnant. 
Foreclosed on our home.
Moved.
Sweet Makena Renee arrived.
2.5 months later my world came crashing down.
My husband left me.
I packed my life, along with my baby and moved home to my parents.

A month away of two years and my story seems that of a movie.

What seemed like a perfect life was no longer.
I've struggled for nearly two years to make sense of it.
I've had questions unanswered. I've lived with the unknown. I've lived with forgiveness but never, 
"I'm sorry."

I've been to therapy. I've written. I've spoke. I've shared. I've thought. I've questioned.

How did this happen to me?

When you search for answers and come up empty you turn to yourself, your thoughts.
My mind has at times, made me believe my husband left me because I wasn't good enough. I must have done something wrong. I must have failed as a wife. 
I know those are not true statements. 
But your mind does not hold the answers.

I've struggled to real deal with it all.
Lets be real, 
I've had a child to take care of. One who never asked to be born. Never asked to be from a broken home. I've had a little life to protect. To love. To raise. 
She's given me strength to go on and get through.
But I've also put my hurt and pain to the side because I needed to be powerful, full of strength. I needed to prove to her and everyone else that although my world and life as I knew it was crumbling, I'd be the best damn mother imaginable. I'd prove to those with the sad "I feel so sorry for Dani" eyes, that this would not be the end of me. That this would not be the end of my story. 
I will pick up the pieces and rebuild my story. 
I will struggle to find my place. But I will find it.

I've been distracted.
Distracted from really rebuilding.
Distracted from getting to know who I am aside from being a wife. 
Being a partner/wife from the age of 16 to 27 and suddenly alone, is life altering. 
Throw in becoming a mother. A single mother at that. 
I've been distracted at finding who I really am. 
I'm in search of me.
Me as a single, strong, independent, mother and woman. 
I need to feel confident in who I am as a person.
Feel proud of the steps I take daily.
Decisions I make.
I need to stop being distracted and making excuses and start living and dealing with the life I'm living. 
The story I'm writing.

Two years ago I had no idea where I was headed.
I still don't.
I need to get out of the bubble of what has happened to me. It's part of my story. One day it will just be a small part, maybe a few chapters....
But it won't be my entire story.

My story of rebuilding is starting today. 
My daughter deserves this.
I deserve this. 
I deserve to be happy.
No life is perfect. No one is perfect. 
The world will always be full of things, setbacks, happiness, sadness...
But your story is what you make of it.
You are responsible for it. 

People will play minor roles in your story but you are the main character. Don't let anyone steal your role...your spot light. 


Behind every person there is a story...

This is mine...

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

I have a similar story, without a child. Married my high school sweetheart at 20, he left me at 28 after having hidden an entire life behind my back for the last two years of our marriage.

I'm now 33. Re-married. We have a baby together. Happy.

The best advice anyone gave me about the situation was that my ex-husband was merely a chapter of my life and the rest of the story was still to come.

Please get some help. You have to force yourself to move on and accept what has happened, or you will never be happy. You can't continue to live in the past, wondering what might have been.

Believe me when I say I had the rug pulled out from under me and then some. The person I knew for 14 years and the person I trusted more than anyone else betrayed me in the most horrific ways possible. But four years later, that doesn't make me who I am.

I've read your blog for a long time and you are making what he did who you are. If not for you, then for the sake of your daughter, you must stop this.

Heidi Toevs said...

Wow, my heart aches for you! But you sound like a very strong and determined woman and mother! You will most definitely overcome all this and grow stronger and wiser as you do!! I have witnessed my own mother go through the same thing, twice actually. And it's never easy, and the questions of not knowing always eats away at you. But we pick ourselves back up and focus on the present, and the important (your daughter), and nothing else matters! Thanks for linking up today!! I am so glad that I found your blog, I will now be your newest follower and supporter!
XO
Heidi
www.mustachemama.com

Meaningful Nest said...

10 years ago my husband cheated on me and abandoned my then 2 year old son and I . His family was ridiculously unaware of how he really was and did not support me. Luckily my family and friends did. I did nothing wrong either and was a good, loving wife. Your heart feels broken and you feel like you can't go on. It broke my heart even more for my son.

A year after my divorce my finally final (took 15 months) I remarried to my now wonderful husband. He had two children and I had my son. A year after we got married, we had our beautiful daughter together, who is now 7. We are a blended family, and although it is not easy, I know it was all meant to be. I don't regret marrying my first husband only because I have an amazing son whom I love more than anything.

It sounds like you are a wonderful woman that is full of courage and strength. Good luck to you. You can do it!

Lindsay said...

How did I miss this? SO beautifully written my friend. SO proud of you. I just wish we were closer so we could help each other. Im here for you ALWAYS... don't hesitate to call me xoxo

Marieesbella said...

I am so sorry for what you are going through! I cannot imagine how hard it is, but I came from a broken home my dad left my mom and brother and I with no money, no home. My mother struggled put herself through school, found a home for us and she is a stronger person now. I pray that God gives you the courage and strength to start your new life.

Found you on Mommy Mingle here is my blog if you want to check it out: http://marieesbella.blogspot.com/

Julia P F said...

Wow congrats on having lived to tell! Your attitude seems to be one of "can do" which is awesome. I could imagine what you have gone through and I commend you for remembering how important of a role model you are for your daughter. Best wishes (I will be following!) found you on friend and flock

Mindy Harris said...

this story is incredible, honey. you have a solid head on your shoulders.
i found your blog thru the naptime review mom's monday mingle and now follow thru gfc. thanks, dear!

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