Tuesday, March 5, 2013

being guarded...

In the path to self discovery I've slowly realized that I've taken the heartache that I once felt and locked it and my heart up so tightly that I've forgotten what it may feel like to feel, to care, to let your guard down. I told myself in the "finding who I am process" that I wouldn't let myself get to that place...ever. Apparently I've listened well to myself. I'm terrified to feel. I terrified to let myself be in a place of possibly being hurt..but at the same time in finding my self, I know I want to feel...I want to love.

I've always known I'm a relationship type of girl. I know I'm a good partner. A good friend, I know I was a good wife. Ever since my separation unfolded I knew I wanted desperately to have that feeling of love, of partnership day. Two years later walls built up, guards standing tall...Secretly, I've set my mind to never having that again and I became secure in that mind set. I didn't know how guarded I've become. To shut myself off from something that I've always wanted has started weighing on me a lot lately. The anxiety of completely letting my guards down terrifies me. I panic at the thought of letting someone in, loving...even more terrifying to me, is to be loved. What it truly comes down to is trusting a person with my fragile heart, with my hurt, with my trust, with my all...trusting a person that they'd never leave me when I need them the most.

The anxiety I'm feeling I'm sure is normal for a person who experienced what I have. But I want to feel again. I want to give myself to someone deserving of what I have to offer. My mind is running a million miles a minute at the thoughts on love and trust run deep. I know I'm made to love and I know I deserve to give my love and receive love. I don't think love comes easily. I truly believe it happens when you least expect, when you've set yourself up to believe that all love fails and you'll always be alone.

I can feel guards being let down slowly...I truly want to feel again. I truly want to have an intense connection with someone who understands me. Who sees past my faults, my mistakes, my pain, my hurt...who sees me for me and what my heart has to offer. I'm not perfect...I'm far from perfect. But I can love...even after being broken. I can give myself again...happily. I've been so determined to not allow those thoughts to be felt. But if I'm truly meant to live this "new life" I'm meant to drop my guards...slightly...and find love again.

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