Wednesday, July 31, 2013

at the moment...

You know those sayings---"When life gives you lemons, make lemonade." Or "When one door closes another opens..." I'm craving all those positive spins when life just gets the best of you.

I've been absent from this space. Absent from myself if I'm being truthful. I haven't blogged since the beginning of June, for lots of reasons. I've always been very open about my life, my thoughts, my heart, where I'm at and where I hope to be going. My past, my present. But lately, I can't find a balance. I can't seem to find a steady pace of accepting yesterday and not thinking about tomorrow. I can't seem to be settled in today. This moment.

I no longer want my past to be what defines me and my today. But I tend to let it. "If this didn't happen, this wouldn't have happened." I don't want to be that person. I'm thankful for my experiences, my hardships, the good and the bad...they've made me who I am...They've made me stronger. They've also made be a bit harder, a bit guarded.

If I'm being completely honest with you right now...

I'm sitting with tears in my eyes feeling completely lost and disappointed in myself. The last few months have been rough, the last week has been the hardest. I've been skipping the "today" in life and wishing of the future, hoping there was just some magic thing that would jump start tomorrow.

I struggle with my direction because I'm not alone in this life. Every action, every path...not only affects myself but my daughter. This blog is called "Me and My "new" Life" It's a journey I started shortly after my sweet girl arrived, after life took a few turns and continued to take turns. I've started a "new life" a few times over the last few years...And recently I've started over, again. They say a cat has nine many does a human have? How many redo's and start overs are we allowed until we feel settled in today, the present, the moment.

I've never wanted to be in a position where I would have to depend on anyone besides myself...But I'm in that place...It's short term. I'm determined to make changes, be at peace, live in the now---not yesterday or tomorrow. Just today.

With that said...

I'm off to make lemonade!


Ali said...

Remember that you are an incredibly strong and beautiful woman - inside and out. The love you have for your daughter and your family will get you through the hardships. Being independent is important but so is knowing when to ask for help - and I think you've managed to find a wonderful balance with that.

Chin up and don't forget that without a few bumps in the road, it would be an awfully boring road trip!!


Mindy Waters said...

Hang in there! I am in that place again. I feel like I have been here too many times. I try to make lemonade but sometimes I want to cry and give up. You are strong! And from all aspects it looks like you are an amazing mother. Things will turn around even if it doesn't seem like it in this very moment.

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